Really? Pleeeeeease?

This has to be the best sign we've seen our entire trip. I think it tops pleasanty surprise or any of the other Chinglish signs we ran into. I'm sorry I only had my cell phone on me at the time.

So... straight from the only internet cafe in Blenheim, NZ, words around which to model the rest of your life:

And to think I almost did...

Fungus gnats

What if I told you that you had the opportunity (operators are standing by!) to strip, in the rain, down to your bathing suit, squeeze yourself into an oft-used-and-seldom-washed, mildewed and odorific drysuit, dripping wet from its last occupant, immerse yourself in a pair of oversized, torn shorts, and water-socks with holes in them, just to shimmy your now-neoprened derriere into the inner-tube of a tire? What if I were to tell you that, thus-bedecked, you had the opportunity to join fourteen other similarly-clad tourists for a three-hour, claustrophobiogenic spelunk, 210 feet below the earth's surface, jumping backwards off waterfalls in pitch darkness, landing in fifty-degree, eel-infested, spelean rivers and ingesting—nasally— a fair bit of their water (and possibly a bit of giardiasis to boot...we'll find out in two weeks), simply to see the defecatory products made by the maggots of a fungus gnat? What if I told you that, after you were done, you were offered (It's free! Act now!) some tepid, watered-down tomato soup and a week-old buttered bagel (but only one). How much would you pay?

On the other hand, if I told you that you had the opportunity to go Blackwater Rafting, with The Legendary Blackwater Rafting Company, on their Black Labyrinth Adventure, to see world-famous glow-worms lighting up the ceiling of a cave, followed by a steaming-hot soup in the warmth of a rustic cabin, and, in doing so, included a picture of two young, good-looking people, splashing in water, faces lit up in excitement, how much higher would that payment rise?

Such is the power of marketing. The crazy thing is, though, we paid (I'm not telling you how much). And, despite my cynical bent, I'll have to admit: once you got past the frigid cave water working its way through the holes in your neoprene, eroding your body's thermoregulatory defense mechanisms, it was absolutely spell-binding.

There's nothing more peaceful than floating down a river, in pitch blackness, save for the eerie glow emanating these mere larvae. The sound of your own breath is the only thing that accompanies you and the constellations of these ugly-in-real-life (but beautiful in the dark) insects. After an hour of jumping, paddling, ducking under stalactites, avoiding the underwater stalagmites set to tear more holes in you or your inner tube, you simply float. The current carries you through tunnels of green light, around faintly visible corners, past millions of glow-worms and out, to civilization, tepid tomato soup, and the opportunity to buy a specially-made (for you!) photo CD. (We demurred, politely).

It's amazing to think that these little, luminescent beings exist simply to feed—voraciously, it turns out. See, after three months spinning webs and maintaining their own yellow-green, glowing derrieres, the larvae pupate for two weeks (yes, I just had to write that word), and then become adults.

For three days.

And in those three days, the adult fungus gnat will do nothing but mate. It doesn't even have a digestive system—it couldn't eat if it wanted to. It simply glows (if it's female) or finds a glowing mate. Its existence is simply reduced to procreation.

After which it dies.

I'll avoid the easy comparisons.

The Crusty Burger

Imagine this: a hamburger bun slathered in mayonnaise, then topped with a chicken patty. Two strips of steak are then piled on, followed by one fried egg, a slice of bacon, some melted cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and a couple slices of boiled beets. Let me introduce you to the crusty burger, a New Zealand creation which we enjoyed for one heart-stopping meal. McDonald's has a tamer version called the Kiwi burger, which we have yet to try.

There is no question that we are in New Zealand. One of our first tasks was to settle a dispute that cropped up between us. We had heavily debated the moniker "Kiwi." What came first, the fruit, the bird, or the appelation for the people of this nation? It turns out that kiwi, the popular name for a flightless bird of the genus Apteryx, are endemic to New Zealand. These birds were embroidered on the uniforms of the soldiers stationed in the UK, who were subsequently dubbed "Kiwis." The fruit was an imported fruit originally called the Chinese gooseberry. In a marketing ploy the name was switched to the melonette, but in order to avoid taxes on melons and perhaps due to the resemblance of the fruit with the hairy behind of the bird, an ultimate renaming was performed and the name stuck.

In our short time here we have realized that New Zealand justly deserves its reputation as the adventure sport capital of the world. We saw people jumping off the top of the 328-meter Auckland Skytower while dining at the revolving restaurant up top (Yes, they were strapped to wires and yes, we averaged 5 jumpers per lunch course). In Waitomo we jumped off the top of waterfalls in an inner tube, all in underground caverns lit by Arachnocampa, the mistakenly named glowworm. We passed on the chance to abseil 37 meters into the same underground caverns or to hurtle through the dark in a harness. While heading from the North to the South Island we decided not to bridge the divide via skydiving (a plane drops you off midair and delivers your luggage to you on the ground), choosing the boring old ferry instead. In Queenstown, bungy jumps are available from almost all tall vertical surfaces and it appears as if no tourist leaves without attempting one. Other activities include Rotorua's giant luge, zorbing, and rides named the Swoop, Freefall Extreme, and the Agrojet.

In truth, though, all this fun has left us feeling a little like kids who have had too much cake. We are definitely feeling quite homesick, and ready to start work on more substantial things. In a week we will be back to Dallas, and in less than a month we will be in Liberia. We can't wait.